Something Good- Day 281

This really does not feel like my story to tell, but my sister has been struggling with pain over the last few days. After the night in the hospital, she was told to manage the pain with medicine and wait for it to get better. Yesterday, she had a friend come over “to help out” but ended up watching movies instead. Our dishes were piling up and needed to be done soon, but she was in no condition to do them. I planned to do the dishes when I got home from work, but another friend came by to bring my sister lunch and helped with our dishes before she left. I cannot express how grateful I am for the people that care for us, check in with us, and express their love and concern. It definitely means a lot, especially when we are struggling.

Something Good- Day 55

We had our church activity today. It went really well, but I got overwhelmed and frustrated when we we’re cleaning up. My sister’s family came though, which really helped. We did a food drive auction. My brother-in-law was able to be the auctioneer. Everyone enjoyed themselves, and we had a lot of food donated. It was a pretty good day overall, and I was able to take some time later to relax and calm down.

Something Good- Day 53 & 54

We spent most of the day cleaning yesterday. Then I went to a service project where we made plastic bag mats and ate nachos. It was a very productive day but also exhausting, which is why I was not able to get my post out yesterday. Today I went with my sister to a breakfast to help plan activities for our church’s singles group. I am really excited about the activity we have planned for tomorrow. I will have to write about it tomorrow if everything goes well!

What Matters Most

Life seems daunting at times. The endless list of tasks that we should be doing to be a “good” person can be overwhelming to say the least. We hold up a measuring rod to ourselves and find that we are severely lacking. How can we possibly help our family, spend time with friends, care for those in need, do the dishes, wash and fold laundry, make our bed, get an hour of daily exercise, read good books, go to school, go to work, help those in need, go grocery shopping, date, keep in touch with distant friends and relatives, eat, sleep, and of course, take time for self care?

My mom always says that everyone has the same 24 hours in a day. You choose how to spend it. The thing is though, how do you choose to spend it when there are so many good things you “should” be doing? I think one of the worst possible things you can do with your time is become overwhelmed by all the things you should be doing with your time.

I think the secret to life is really as simple as doing what makes you happy. There are a million good things to do with your time, but what is most meaningful to you? How do you want to spend your time?

Honestly, I need a good movie and popcorn every once in a while, but mostly when I have a chance, I like helping others. I like doing dishes and folding laundry and taking out the garbage- not because these things are fun, but because I know how much no one likes to do them. To me, it is a simple act of service, but to someone else, it can be the biggest help and relief for them. You can ask me to go to the movies with you, and I’ll set up a time to go. But ask me to help you with something, and I’ll be heading over before you finish your sentence.

So when I start to find myself stressing over not having enough time to do everything, I remind myself to step back and do what I enjoy the most, because really, that’s the most important thing I can do.

Celebrating Christ’s Birth

It is no secret that I am not fond of birthdays. There are years that I would like to avoid my birthday altogether. However, as we talked today in church about Christ’s birthday. I thought about what Christmas represents.

Christmas is a day to remember Christ. So, how would he want us to remember Him? By giving of ourselves- giving to others, helping others, loving others. That is how Christ spent His life. In truth, the birth of Jesus was a gift from both Christ and the Father. Jesus gave us the gift of His life- of becoming mortal so that He could save us, serve us, and show us how to live like Him. And the Father gave us the gift of His Son.

I think that the Spirit of Christmas is the perfect way to celebrate Christ’s birthday because we strive to do exactly what He did in His mortal life- give, love, serve. I hope my birthday can help people remember those things, too. But I am grateful for the perfect example to celebrate with “peace on earth, goodwill to men.”

Making Progress

Most people feel good when they do something for someone else.

I have thought about that a lot over the last few weeks. I used to hate myself when I did something for someone else. I would get home and just cry for hours after I dropped off an anonymous gift at someone’s house or gave someone a letter or took food to someone.

People always say that when you’re depressed or having a bad day, you should serve and help someone else because it makes you feel better. It didn’t make me feel better. In fact, I had to stop doing things for people for about a year because I was so depressed that doing something like that would have pushed me over the edge.

Yesterday I did something good for someone. I didn’t even do it anonymously, which is usually the only way I can handle things like this. I did something kind for another person, and I didn’t hate myself afterwards. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t curl up on the floor and cry for hours. I just felt good. It was such an amazing experience.

I want to feel like this every day. I want to feel like I can be myself and see the needs of someone else and not be terrified to do something about it. I want to love myself. I hope this feeling lasts because I so desperately want to love myself. I don’t want to have to forgive myself for acting on my generous thoughts. I just want to do things without even thinking about it, without wanting to punish myself for it. I want to be okay with who I am. I want to feel good when I do something. I want this feeling of peace to last forever.

Lessons of Pain

Pain teaches you things. Sometimes, the more intense the pain is, the more it teaches you. Today I have been in excruciating pain, and I have been thinking about the lessons pain has taught me.

  1. My body is amazing. Sometimes we tell ourselves how much we hate our bodies because they are not what we want them to be. When it becomes hard to move because of pain, you realize just how amazing your body really is.
  2. My body needs just as much love as I do. I learned this by  unintentionally starving my body. Eating causes me pain and time is a short commodity, so I simply did not eat meals for two weeks. By the time I realized what was happening, my body needed a whole lot of love to get back to normal.
  3. Everyone suffers. Most of the time, no one knows I am in pain. I resist the urge to slide to the floor and curl up in fetal position when I’m talking to someone. It has made me wonder how many other people resist similar urges and what unseen pain they may be suffering.
  4. You may never fully understand the power of a hug. When I am in intense pain, physical touch can sometimes be unwelcome. But a hug is almost always something I want. A hug releases some of the tension, alleviates some of the pain, and above all, let’s me know I’m not alone.
  5. Compassion and empathy. Everyone experiences pain differently, but because I know what pain feels like for me, I can sympathize when you describe what pain feels like for you.
  6. Gratitude. When I have a good day, when I feel well enough to do something extra, when pain doesn’t describe my state of being, I am so grateful. It makes me grateful for the little things like being able to stand and able to eat and sleep, etc.
  7. Pain is temporary. Even though I am almost always in some kind of pain, I have realized that the intense pain is temporary. It may feel unbearable in the moment, but eventually it will become bearable again.
  8. Sleep is my friend. Sometimes I delay sleeping because of depression. Sleeping seems like a darkness that I do not want to enter, but sleeping almost always helps me feel better.
  9. People care. Pain didn’t really teach me that people care, people taught me that they care. But pain made me realize and notice people caring.
  10. Service. Pain makes you realize the frailty of life. It helps you realize what is most important. To me, what is most important is other people. If I can make someone’s life better, if I can make them a little happier, if I can help someone, I want to do it. My pain does not disqualify me from trying to help someone else.

Grateful to Help Give Hope

Sometimes I feel so hopeless. I find myself sinking in deep despair, afraid to try to change things because I don’t believe it’s possible. But then, there are the days when I am okay, and the darkness is dispersed, and I can breathe. These are the days where I can give hope.

I need hope. I need to give it. I need to feel it. I need to believe in it. Some days I feel too tired to give hope. I may give hope anyway, but it’s out of perseverance more than personality. When I do feel hopeful though, I run around like the Easter bunny spreading colored eggs. I want to give as much hope as possible, usually while remaining as unseen as possible.

Sometimes though, you must give hope with your story; so you can’t remain anonymous. Last night I went around spreading hope. This time, I put my name on it. Not because I want credit, but because they needed to know that a real person cared, a person with a name and a face and a reason.

Sometimes when I do something nice for someone, I want that to be faceless. I want that person to feel like the whole world loves them, not just one small singular person. But when you spread hope, you have to listen to your feelings. This time I had the feeling that these people didn’t need to know that someone cared. They needed to know that I cared.

I don’t know where I’m going with this other than just to say, spread hope. You never know who will need it or how much they need it. Whether you do it anonymously or let someone know that you specifically care, it will make you thankful and make them thankful. And let’s face it, we could all use more hope and gratitude in our lives.

Grateful for Service

I love doing nice things for people. It feels like spreading hope. Some people at my church probably see me as that person who signs up for everything. While it is true that I sign up for everything I can do, it is probably not for the reason people think. I sign up for completely selfish reasons, and I am okay with that.

I sign up to help because I need to get outside of myself. I volunteer to bring things because it gives me a purpose and a reason to stay. I offer to serve because it gives me something to do with my time.

I always try to serve as quietly as possible. I try to do things anonymously. I try to be invisible in my service. It’s not because I’m ashamed of it, but because I feel unworthy of it.

It may seem strange, but service feels like such a blessing to me. It’s like going to Christmas dinner. You have already had an amazing day, but you still get to experience that extra measure of happiness. Service makes me so happy that it doesn’t seem fair. It doesn’t seem fair that no one else realizes the blessings of this gift.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to serve and to be served. It seems strange to me that we reject service. I think we learn to do so as a courtesy or a symbol of strength. And it can develop to be prideful. But it shouldn’t be like that. Receiving service is just as important as giving it. I am so grateful for the service I have received. I am grateful for the people who have served me in unexpected ways.

Without the opportunity to serve, to perform small acts of kindness, to give away love and happiness, I would be lost to the darkness. I need service like I need to breathe. I need to be part of spreading hope because otherwise, I would be overwhelmed with hopelessness. I need to be able to participate in service because it gives me a reason to keep trying. And I am so grateful for that.