Tired of Being Scared

I fear people. Plain and simple. I don’t understand social cues and body language, and I have no idea how to tell if someone actually wants to talk to me or if they’re just trying to be nice.

So I don’t talk to people as much as I’d like because I don’t want to bother them. And I don’t hug people because I don’t know if they would like a hug. And I don’t text people because I can’t tell if they really want to talk or hang out.

But I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of trying so hard not to mess up that most people probably think I’m not trying at all. I’m tired of people thinking I’m shy or withdrawn because I don’t want to give offense or overstep my bounds. I’m tired of suffocating for social interaction because I don’t want to inconvenience anyone by asking to spend time with them. I’m tired of catering to the side of me that is so afraid of losing anyone who has been kind to me that I don’t take the time to be kind to others and make new friends.

It may seem counterintuitive that I didn’t talk to people because I didn’t want to lose friends. But I don’t have much experience with having friends, and I was more afraid of messing things up than concerned with being a friend. Stupid… I know…

Anyway, I’m finally going to try something new. I’m going to message people when I want to talk; I’m going to sit next to people without being invited; I’m going to ask for hugs when I want one, and I’m going to ignore my thoughts that everyone is better than me and why would they want to be my friend.

I hope and pray that it works. I don’t want to be broken anymore. I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I don’t want to just be loved; I want to feel loved. And maybe, just maybe, there’s someone inside of me that’s braver than who I have been in the past, and maybe that braver person is who I really am or want to be.

Wish me luck and send me prayers because this just may be the hardest thing I have ever done.