After my suicide attempt that landed me in the hospital before my second year of college, I decided to be more open on social media. I knew friends and family were worried. So I told people that I would let them know what I was going through so that if I ever died by suicide, it would not be a surprise to people.
The thing is that I have thought about suicide my entire life. My earliest memories are thoughts of wanting to open the car door on the freeway or looking over the bridge at the mall and wondering if I could die from falling off. So suicide has been more constant in my life than any other thought or feeling. It has lasted longer than any friend I have ever known. It has accompanied me to classes, home, amusement parks, friends’ house, and so many other happy places.
Suicide is my Achilles heel. And because of that I have talked about it honestly and openly because I never felt like I knew when would be my final battle with suicide.
But lately I have hesitated to share so openly. You see, I have nieces and nephews that are getting to the age where social media is a possibility. And I worry and wonder what they would think if they found out about this darkness in my soul that seems to have followed me since birth.
But then… I think, but what if they’re like me? Afraid to tell your mom you want to die because what if it scares her or hurts her or makes her not love you anymore? And you don’t know what to do, so you struggle with the thoughts that never leave you alone until you are away from her. Until you go to college, and now you don’t have the constant reminder to be strong for someone and the constant guilt that if someone knew how you felt, they would never let you out of their sight.
So this might be my last post about these things, but if you’re reading this, if you’re a child that has wondered if you’re alone in your feelings, or an adult that has tried to stay strong for too long, or anyone that just wonders if the battle ever ends or if anyone else could possibly know how this feels, I hope you feel a little less alone. I hope you feel a little less broken. I hope you feel like maybe someday you’ll be okay. And if I have any family members or loved ones reading this, I hope you know I’ll never give up because of you.